GPS

The GPS on my N95 kicks gluteus maximus , but as I walked in circles around Target this morning I found my N95 wanting this upgrade:

GPS Powered Item Locator

This would allow you to say the item in the phone and then you would receive the location of that item via the GPS coordinates (with altitude so I know which shelf it's on too). Of course instead of just a bunch of numbers, there would be a floorplan of the market with the items...well, itemized. I'd be able to buy groceries without circling the aisles like a vulture over Abe Vigoda.

And of course this will be free...for me anyway.

Is there anything this stuff can't do?

Though Emma asked for a cheeseburger, I decided to just make lunch at home. We had a big watermelon that needed to be cut. So it, along with grapes, and a ham sandwich would make a decent meal. After cutting up one half of the watermelon, realizing that it there was much more fruit than I thought, I was left with a choice:

Wash another Tupperware container and cut up second half of watermelon.

or

Cover second half of watermelon, stash in fridge and let Britt take care of it.

Obviously it took less than a second to choose the latter. But after a few minutes it was apparent that I had not chosen the easiest path. I would try and pull the sheet out flat, but noooo, it had to wrinkle and would not tear. Try again, same result. Try again, Fail. Who the hell is responsible for putting this pathetic excuse for a blade on the lid of the box? Because I'm going to punch him in the throat and pee on his dog.

I had wasted nearly half the roll before I was able to get the right size sheet. A spotlight shone down on me from heaven and the angels sang, "AAAAAMMMMMMEEEEENNNN."

Perhaps this should have been written on the side of the box of plastic wrap:
If, by the grace of God, you manage to tear off a piece of usable plastic wrap, please note that this product is not intended to cover halves of watermelon. You are better off just cutting up the entire fruit.

Fortunately, I have duct tape. Is there anything this stuff can't do?

Someday Soon

When Tommy started to scream I looked up and saw Emma running as fast as she could away from him. Emma’s Response to me asking what happened: “It’s ok Daddy, accidents happen.” Someday soon Tommy won't be the one with a bloddy nose.

Best Bang For My Buck

Recently I purchased a Bag of Crap from Woot.com. This was my fifth time ordering the BOC. For those who don't know what Woot is or what the Bag of Crap is go here.

Previous BOCs:

Roboraptor (Emma named him Slappy), toy car, visor with built in binoculars, novelty hole punch, buzzer for ear, Hardly Working Book, small backback.


Bag of Crap is $1 + $5 shipping
Boston center speaker, 3 instajacks, heart rate monitor, Woot Beer Bucket

Oh do the Woot Gods love me. Look at my most recent BOC:


3 - B&D Pocket Power, 1 Memory Card Case, 1 Violin Thing, Nokia N95-1 with 1Gb MicroSD and SD Adapter and all cables

Behold, the Nokia N95



Nokia N95 Website

GPS, Internet, Accelerometer, MP3 Player, 5 Megapixel Camera, Mobile Games, Email, SMS, MMS, WiFi, Bluetooth, Video Out, DivX Player, Flash Player, 30 fps Video Camera, MicroSD Expansion Slot, Lightsaber (For my Jedi needs), and it also is a Cellphone.

Was it perfect out of the box? No, in fact, I wasn't able to use it more than an hour or so before it would reboot. So I went to Nokia's website and was able to confirm that My N95 was under warranty . The next day My N95 was on its way to Alabama. Yes, Alabama has more to offer than just topless beaches and bottomless beverages...Sorry, I sometimes confuse Alabama with Heaven. Lots of people do that. Alabama's tourism depends on those types of mistakes.

A week goes by and My N95 was back in my hands. When I opened the box there was a new battery and a note that said the problem was fixed. Well, it wasn't. It went back in the box and off to Alabama, again. 10 days later, it was in my hands, again.

This box contained a new battery, a new charger and a note that said the problem was fixed. After two hours the phone stopped working. I called Nokia, again. They (Nokia) said that a new phone will be shipped to me once they receive My N95. After yet another trip to the Mail Box place and eight days later...

My Brand Spanking New N95 was in my hands...again. Yes, I needed a wet nap and a change of clothes. My Brand Spanking New N95 now has three batteries, two chargers plus the video cable, headphones w/remote and a 1Gb MicroSd card. I love My Brand Spanking New N95. It's my Mobile Mistress, but this one my wife knows about.

Pictures taken with the N95 for your viewing pleasure:



I'm hoping to get one of these in my next BOC. Though I could do it with my pellet gun, this would be more fun to have when conquering France.



This Image is for those who always wanted to see a Sexy Man taking a picture with a Sexy N95 of his Sexy self through the reflection of a rental van.



This is a picture of my Mother in Law. Once feeding time is over she's quite a sweetheart to be around.



This is my Father in Law. The man may not be the prettiest thing, but damn that is huge!



The Prettiest Princess Ever.



San Diego Chargers, Super Bowl XLIII Champions



The only thing I can't find on my GPS is a beer...Oh, What is this!!!

I hate Movie Credits

The cast members should be listed at the end of the movie, but most of the credits should be cut. No one cares who was the second assistant to the boom operator for the caterer. Except, of course, for that guy. The only reason to sit through this superfluous (spelled correctly the first time) list is to see extra scenes that may be at the end. Plus, when the movie plays on cable the station usually fast forwards or shrinks the screen so you can't read it anyway.

Actual screen shot ->

Doughnuts kill little girls

So many questions come to mind when I think of Brenda Nesselroad-Slaby, an assistant pricipal in Ohio who left her two year old daughter cook to death in her suv in the school parking lot, like: Why doesn't Brenda sue the doughnut company for selling her a product that caused her to forget she had her daughter in the car and left the car in the sun which then cooked the child to death?

But it wasn't just the doughnuts to blame. The manufacture of the car did not allow Brenda to see the child, in the car seat, while removing cargo from the rear. Why doesn't Brenda sue Mercedes?

Prosecuters in Ohio thought it best not to prosecute Brenda, for this was just a tragic accident. Well, in all fairness, Brenda is a busy woman. And she is well educated so she shouldn't be held accountable for the minor mistake of baking her child to death on school grounds.

No, this woman should not be given a needle for her crime, but a crime was committed, and she should be fairly punished. This is a very dangerous slippery slope. If "Hey, it was an accident", can get you off free and clear, then why bother having a judicial system? It makes sense though...If you have a lot of money or say it was an accident you're free.

Did you mean to kill?
No, it was an accident.
Oh, ok then. You're free to go OJ.

UPDS: Ultra-awesome Personal Driving Simulator

I've been bombarded by the public with virtual cries of desperation to get a sneek peek at my Ultra-awesome Personal Driving Simulator. Because of the ultra-awesomeness of my UPDS the Governments of the world deemed it a danger to humanity, fearing the mass hysteria that the average human would suffer if they were to have such a device in their home, I will only show two pictures. Although this project is unfinished it, due to its ultra-awesomeness, is able to function fully.