Fantasy World

Nope. It's not my favorite food. In fact, I usually avoid oatmeal. On occasion though I've been known to consume my share of it. Especially when it's used in cookies. A certain liberal, who wouldn't normally be allowed in my house (but this one is very smart and pretty so I made an exception), brought over a bunch of oatmeal cookies she made just for me. It's possible that the cookies were intended for my entire family to enjoy, but it's more likely she only wanted me to eat them.

The cookies sparked an interest in oatmeal in me. Since it is so cold in the morning now, I wanted to try some oatmeal for breakfast to warm me, and the kids, up. My next trip to Vons would involve me buying some oatmeal. As I stood in front of the oatmeal section at the store, I was pretty pissed off at the limited selection of decent flavors. There was plenty of Raisin Date & Walnut, Gross Regular Favor, Apple Cinnamon and Fruit & Cream (Dry Heave). There was not a single box of Banana Nut. I went home empty handed.



PS - Whenever I think of Bananas I'm reminded of Roscoe P's opposition to them. With such a great name like "Roscoe" in my head it was impossible to think of any other when I had to name my dog last night in FABLE II. I can't feed the dog bananas in the game, but I can beat and scold him for not converting his liberal girlfriend to conservatism fast enough. That makes me happy.

I find it's safer, for all parties, if I work out my problems in a Fantasy World (i.e. Xbox & PS3). No, my blog isn't fantasy. In fact some (mainly me) refer to this blog as:
"The Schaeffer Scriptures: A Gospel to Live By."

My blog is...far, far, far away from Fantasy World where the people that think Obama will solve all of America's problems are living.

Three Posts in One

It's been raining all day here in sunny San Diego. When it rains you can expect, and I do, several car accidents since San Diegans can't drive in the rain. Some even have trouble walking in it. The diamond plate imprint is still on Emma's butt!



He wanted to understand what it is like to be me. So he walked a mile in my shoes. When he was done, Tommy decided to take a nap because a mile is pretty far for a two year old to walk.



This is a board game for sale at Toys "R" Us. Sure it's fun to play, but cleanup really sucks.

Though chewy and slightly gamey, Panda meat is a great Dinner option

I just finished watching the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." It sucked just slightly less than the original did in '51.

Summary: Humans are a cancer to the earth and a group of alien civilizations send "Ted" Theodore Logan to exterminate the cancer. But Ted soon discovers that humans have a good side and quickly bought stock in JCI. Humans begin to live as damn dirty hippies.

The best part in this film was near the beginning. Klaatu had escaped from the hospital and needed food. He found a vending machine and, though he had the power to choose any item, he chose a Tuna Salad Sandwich. I think an advanced creature, such as Klaatu, who's focused solely on the survival of earth wouldn't be that barbaric to eat another creature, who had feelings and a family, and then discard the packaging instead of properly recycling it.

Tuna Salad Sandwich from a vending machine, really? I'd rather give PETA a donation than eat...who am I kidding? Me? Give PETA money? Ha! I'd love to eat a bucket of KFC chicken while wearing a Koala fur coat, Baby Seal leather pants and Panda heads for slippers in front of Pamela Anderson. Actually, if she was naked and this was 15 years ago it'd be better.

Epic Fail

Every Ford or GM new car dealership I see is packed with brand new cars. Every Ford or GM used-car dealership I see is packed with "previously owned" cars. No matter the discounts, no matter the deals, no one is buying the cars. Some believe the reason for the over-abundance of vehicles is due to a poor economy where consumers can't afford to buy a new car. While others believe it's the higher price of American automobiles (mostly due to Union labor) compared to a comparable import that is to blame. Both are correct.

What's funny, and by funny I mean painfully sad, is that there are a lot of people who believe the American taxpayers should give billions of dollars to companies to make even more of their product that Americans won't/can't buy. It's possible that the only jobs that this automobile bailout will save is the builder of the new parking lots where the new Socialist Cars will gather dust.

Hippies fear change...and soap.

Burger King has a new ad campaign where it takes the Whopper and Big Mac to areas around the world to show that non-Americans prefer the Whopper. This has caused severe distress, and addition mental disorders, to the Birkenstock wearing liberal hippy community who feel (they're always "feeling") that BK is somehow abusing these fast foodless people with, well, fast food. The bailout should include free one-way airfare for these aforementioned liberal hippies to France so they can live there happily and eat a Royale with cheese. I have always loved the Whopper. Maybe this week I'll treat my family to a feast of charred animal flesh in a bun? The only way to top a meal like that is if they let you shoot the cow first. That'd be pretty exciting. Wow, you could get a chubby, then get chubby. That right there is the American Dream!

Car Czar Schaeffer

Though it's likely to pull America out of this pre-depression, I've decided to officially withdraw my name from the "Car Czar" hat. It would only take me one day to dissolve the unions, kill the EPA regulations, halt all exports of manufacturing & assembly & goods...pretty much solving all the problems, but America isn't ready for the true reform that I'd impose. It would be like teaching cats to scuba dive. You have to duct tape the gear on and throw them overboard. It's not pretty and they won't be happy, but it'll get the job done.

If the deal is made final this week, President Bush will probably ask Mitt Romney to do it. I doubt he'd accept it since he's focused on being VP under Palin in 2012. It would be a cool name though, "Car Czar Schaeffer."

Was it the voice of God (who's possibly pictured below)?

I know the answer, I know every answer, I know everything. Occasionally though, I have moments of blur which prevent me from seeing certain details. It's similar to the paradox: Can God create something so heavy that even He can't lift?

So was it the voice of God? It could have been a guilty conscious. It may have been just gas in my tummy. No matter the source, this was the message: You're a Asshole.

There are countless examples of things I've said or have done that validate this message. But I know (like everything else) what this particular assholishly thing is that this message was referring to.

The night we celebrated Britt's birthday, at Cindy's mom's house, I made a comment about a woman's name that was inappropriate. Mass quantities of beer and jello shooters may have contributed to my vocalization of this truth, but it was inappropriate nonetheless. I kept telling her that, "I don't like that name." And it's true. I don't like the name Samara. Though not as bad as Apple, Gulliver, Ireland or Rachel Maddow...I just don't like it.

I'm not going to apologize for speaking the truth about her name. I will however announce to the world (because this blog is read by everyone in the world) that it was in poor taste, inappropriate and assholish to say that aloud. Hopefully, God, my conscious and/or heartburn will leave me alone now about this.

Since I'm never wrong it's unnecessary for me to correct myself (another paradox may be near). I wrote a birthday message to Jose's sister and it was received without her knowing the sender. She wrote back thanking the unnamed person to which I replied, along with my name, that I hoped to not send her another unanimous message again. Did you catch that? The word anonymous was supposed to be there not unanimous. The fault was not mine, it was the Internet...which means it was Al Gore's fault. Yes, Al Gore caused Angie to receive a message with the wrong word.

Fortunately, I have corrected Mr. Gore's mistake. Wow! I am so awesome.

History repeated itself

Let me tell you about a 16 year old girl, Nga Thi Truong, who lives in Massachusetts. Nga, which is pronounced Yah, had a small problem last night. Police were called to her home and she handed her unconscious 1 year old innocent baby boy to them. The police tried CPR and took the 1 year old innocent baby boy to the hospital, but the 1 year old innocent baby boy was pronounced dead.

Nga first told police that she found the boy not breathing. She later confessed to suffocating the 1 year old innocent baby boy with a teddy bear.

Her 17 year old boyfriend said it was "impossible" for Nga to do commit murder. Edwin Vasquez the boyfriend (Who's Indian name is, ironically, Sleeps Through Murder), told police, "I didn't hear anything, and I was sleeping right next to him." Eddy, when a vicious psycho murderer is suffocating a 1 year old innocent baby boy, there won't be much noise coming from under the teddy bear.

Why was a 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old in her home? Nga is pregnant with Mr. Sleeps Through Murder's baby. No, he's not the father of the 1 year old innocent dead baby boy.

So, to recap, Nga is a pregnant 16 year old who killed her 1 year old baby with a teddy bear. By the way, in 2000 Nga was babysitting her baby brother when he died in his crib. Though that baby's death was ruled Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, it's obvious now that history repeated itself. Fortunately, a third death will be avoided since Nga will be put to death before she can kill that one too.

Oh who am I kidding? It's Massachusetts, you can do anything in Massachusetts without fear of punishment. Besides, it's obvious Nga didn't commit a crime. She was just simply performing a late term abortion. Our President Elect told her it was Ok.

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