Fantasy World

Nope. It's not my favorite food. In fact, I usually avoid oatmeal. On occasion though I've been known to consume my share of it. Especially when it's used in cookies. A certain liberal, who wouldn't normally be allowed in my house (but this one is very smart and pretty so I made an exception), brought over a bunch of oatmeal cookies she made just for me. It's possible that the cookies were intended for my entire family to enjoy, but it's more likely she only wanted me to eat them.

The cookies sparked an interest in oatmeal in me. Since it is so cold in the morning now, I wanted to try some oatmeal for breakfast to warm me, and the kids, up. My next trip to Vons would involve me buying some oatmeal. As I stood in front of the oatmeal section at the store, I was pretty pissed off at the limited selection of decent flavors. There was plenty of Raisin Date & Walnut, Gross Regular Favor, Apple Cinnamon and Fruit & Cream (Dry Heave). There was not a single box of Banana Nut. I went home empty handed.



PS - Whenever I think of Bananas I'm reminded of Roscoe P's opposition to them. With such a great name like "Roscoe" in my head it was impossible to think of any other when I had to name my dog last night in FABLE II. I can't feed the dog bananas in the game, but I can beat and scold him for not converting his liberal girlfriend to conservatism fast enough. That makes me happy.

I find it's safer, for all parties, if I work out my problems in a Fantasy World (i.e. Xbox & PS3). No, my blog isn't fantasy. In fact some (mainly me) refer to this blog as:
"The Schaeffer Scriptures: A Gospel to Live By."

My blog is...far, far, far away from Fantasy World where the people that think Obama will solve all of America's problems are living.

Three Posts in One

It's been raining all day here in sunny San Diego. When it rains you can expect, and I do, several car accidents since San Diegans can't drive in the rain. Some even have trouble walking in it. The diamond plate imprint is still on Emma's butt!



He wanted to understand what it is like to be me. So he walked a mile in my shoes. When he was done, Tommy decided to take a nap because a mile is pretty far for a two year old to walk.



This is a board game for sale at Toys "R" Us. Sure it's fun to play, but cleanup really sucks.

Though chewy and slightly gamey, Panda meat is a great Dinner option

I just finished watching the remake of "The Day the Earth Stood Still." It sucked just slightly less than the original did in '51.

Summary: Humans are a cancer to the earth and a group of alien civilizations send "Ted" Theodore Logan to exterminate the cancer. But Ted soon discovers that humans have a good side and quickly bought stock in JCI. Humans begin to live as damn dirty hippies.

The best part in this film was near the beginning. Klaatu had escaped from the hospital and needed food. He found a vending machine and, though he had the power to choose any item, he chose a Tuna Salad Sandwich. I think an advanced creature, such as Klaatu, who's focused solely on the survival of earth wouldn't be that barbaric to eat another creature, who had feelings and a family, and then discard the packaging instead of properly recycling it.

Tuna Salad Sandwich from a vending machine, really? I'd rather give PETA a donation than eat...who am I kidding? Me? Give PETA money? Ha! I'd love to eat a bucket of KFC chicken while wearing a Koala fur coat, Baby Seal leather pants and Panda heads for slippers in front of Pamela Anderson. Actually, if she was naked and this was 15 years ago it'd be better.

Epic Fail

Every Ford or GM new car dealership I see is packed with brand new cars. Every Ford or GM used-car dealership I see is packed with "previously owned" cars. No matter the discounts, no matter the deals, no one is buying the cars. Some believe the reason for the over-abundance of vehicles is due to a poor economy where consumers can't afford to buy a new car. While others believe it's the higher price of American automobiles (mostly due to Union labor) compared to a comparable import that is to blame. Both are correct.

What's funny, and by funny I mean painfully sad, is that there are a lot of people who believe the American taxpayers should give billions of dollars to companies to make even more of their product that Americans won't/can't buy. It's possible that the only jobs that this automobile bailout will save is the builder of the new parking lots where the new Socialist Cars will gather dust.

Hippies fear change...and soap.

Burger King has a new ad campaign where it takes the Whopper and Big Mac to areas around the world to show that non-Americans prefer the Whopper. This has caused severe distress, and addition mental disorders, to the Birkenstock wearing liberal hippy community who feel (they're always "feeling") that BK is somehow abusing these fast foodless people with, well, fast food. The bailout should include free one-way airfare for these aforementioned liberal hippies to France so they can live there happily and eat a Royale with cheese. I have always loved the Whopper. Maybe this week I'll treat my family to a feast of charred animal flesh in a bun? The only way to top a meal like that is if they let you shoot the cow first. That'd be pretty exciting. Wow, you could get a chubby, then get chubby. That right there is the American Dream!

Car Czar Schaeffer

Though it's likely to pull America out of this pre-depression, I've decided to officially withdraw my name from the "Car Czar" hat. It would only take me one day to dissolve the unions, kill the EPA regulations, halt all exports of manufacturing & assembly & goods...pretty much solving all the problems, but America isn't ready for the true reform that I'd impose. It would be like teaching cats to scuba dive. You have to duct tape the gear on and throw them overboard. It's not pretty and they won't be happy, but it'll get the job done.

If the deal is made final this week, President Bush will probably ask Mitt Romney to do it. I doubt he'd accept it since he's focused on being VP under Palin in 2012. It would be a cool name though, "Car Czar Schaeffer."

Was it the voice of God (who's possibly pictured below)?

I know the answer, I know every answer, I know everything. Occasionally though, I have moments of blur which prevent me from seeing certain details. It's similar to the paradox: Can God create something so heavy that even He can't lift?

So was it the voice of God? It could have been a guilty conscious. It may have been just gas in my tummy. No matter the source, this was the message: You're a Asshole.

There are countless examples of things I've said or have done that validate this message. But I know (like everything else) what this particular assholishly thing is that this message was referring to.

The night we celebrated Britt's birthday, at Cindy's mom's house, I made a comment about a woman's name that was inappropriate. Mass quantities of beer and jello shooters may have contributed to my vocalization of this truth, but it was inappropriate nonetheless. I kept telling her that, "I don't like that name." And it's true. I don't like the name Samara. Though not as bad as Apple, Gulliver, Ireland or Rachel Maddow...I just don't like it.

I'm not going to apologize for speaking the truth about her name. I will however announce to the world (because this blog is read by everyone in the world) that it was in poor taste, inappropriate and assholish to say that aloud. Hopefully, God, my conscious and/or heartburn will leave me alone now about this.

Since I'm never wrong it's unnecessary for me to correct myself (another paradox may be near). I wrote a birthday message to Jose's sister and it was received without her knowing the sender. She wrote back thanking the unnamed person to which I replied, along with my name, that I hoped to not send her another unanimous message again. Did you catch that? The word anonymous was supposed to be there not unanimous. The fault was not mine, it was the Internet...which means it was Al Gore's fault. Yes, Al Gore caused Angie to receive a message with the wrong word.

Fortunately, I have corrected Mr. Gore's mistake. Wow! I am so awesome.

History repeated itself

Let me tell you about a 16 year old girl, Nga Thi Truong, who lives in Massachusetts. Nga, which is pronounced Yah, had a small problem last night. Police were called to her home and she handed her unconscious 1 year old innocent baby boy to them. The police tried CPR and took the 1 year old innocent baby boy to the hospital, but the 1 year old innocent baby boy was pronounced dead.

Nga first told police that she found the boy not breathing. She later confessed to suffocating the 1 year old innocent baby boy with a teddy bear.

Her 17 year old boyfriend said it was "impossible" for Nga to do commit murder. Edwin Vasquez the boyfriend (Who's Indian name is, ironically, Sleeps Through Murder), told police, "I didn't hear anything, and I was sleeping right next to him." Eddy, when a vicious psycho murderer is suffocating a 1 year old innocent baby boy, there won't be much noise coming from under the teddy bear.

Why was a 17 year old sleeping with a 16 year old in her home? Nga is pregnant with Mr. Sleeps Through Murder's baby. No, he's not the father of the 1 year old innocent dead baby boy.

So, to recap, Nga is a pregnant 16 year old who killed her 1 year old baby with a teddy bear. By the way, in 2000 Nga was babysitting her baby brother when he died in his crib. Though that baby's death was ruled Sudden Infant Death Syndrome, it's obvious now that history repeated itself. Fortunately, a third death will be avoided since Nga will be put to death before she can kill that one too.

Oh who am I kidding? It's Massachusetts, you can do anything in Massachusetts without fear of punishment. Besides, it's obvious Nga didn't commit a crime. She was just simply performing a late term abortion. Our President Elect told her it was Ok.

News

I told you Wal-Mart was evil

This morning a worker at Wal-Mart was crushed to death by crazy ass shoppers who rushed into the store trying to get Black Friday bargains. I hope the video is shown on national tv so we can see those responsible for murdering that man.

I too went shopping this morning, but I didn't have to kill anyone trying to buy milk and bread. Why can't groceries be cheaper on Black Friday?

Thanksgiving 2008

The Three Fs of Thanksgiving: Friends, Family and Food



And Thank You Sam Adams and Rock Band for your contributions to a wonderful holiday.

Perv-Harmony

A 46 year old New Jersey man, Eric McKinley, had this to say about his inability to find a compatible partner on eHarmony:

"It's very frustrating and it's very humiliating to think that other people can do it and I can't," he said. "And the only reason I can't is because I'm a gay man. That's very hurtful."

I'd shed a tear for sympathy of his pain, but crying is gay.

A lawsuit was filed by the lonely crying gay man and now eHarmony is forced to have a website that allows for gays and lesbians. eHarmony is also forced to pay New Jersey's Civil Rights Division $50,000 to cover administrative costs.

Now there will be a "separate but equal" website and the lonely crying gay man is getting $5,000 dollars to which his reply was, and I'm not making this up, "fabulous."

This sets a dangerous precedence for these upcoming lawsuits:
Orthodox Jewish Men in the Rocketts
Rosie O'Donnell in the Shamu Show
Rachel Maddow in the North Shore Christian Men's Choir

"It’s time to jump in, it’s time to be part of the deal, it’s time to help get America out of the rut...It’s time to be patriotic." Change you can believe in.

"I guess I wanted the loan so badly I didn't care"

Over two years ago Holly Henkelmann had so much credit card debt that she had to refinance her Escondido townhouse to pay it off. She claims she was not asked for written proof of income, but still got the loan and failed to do the math. The mortgage alone was nearly equal to her income.

"I should have had alarm bells going off in my head," she said while thumbing through the loan papers.

A forclosure notice came in August. As reality set in, Holly decided it was probably a good time to read her loan documents. She found that her reported income was more than twice what she told the loan officer. Yeah, ok Holly. This loan guy lied so you could get money you knew you couldn't afford.

She told 10 News, "I guess I wanted the loan so badly I didn't care."

If this is predetory lending, then some fault should go to the loan officer. Only some because most falls on Holly's incompetence and her need for instant gratification.

My interpretation of the meeting discussing the loan:

Holly - "I have too much debt, so I need to incur more debt."
Loaner - "Well, we can refinaince your home and give you some extra cash."
Holly - "Ok, I'll take it. Where do I sign?"
Loaner - "There are some details we should go over."
Holly - "I want this loan so badly I don't care about those silly details"

Hey Holly, did you buy that shiny new car in your driveway before or after you got the loan?

http://www.10news.com/video/18056434/index.html

A Boy Named Sue...His Parents Made Him Wear A Dress

We're Here.
We're Queer.
Give us your children.

A liberal (possibly homosexual) judge in Miami ruled that it is unconstitutional to forbid a gay parent from adopting a child. Though the gay lifestyle may be socially acceptable, it is far from being a suitable environment for children. It's one thing for two consenting adults to do what they wish to each other once they get home from working at MSNBC, it's an entirely different thing to force a child to witness such deviance.

Shut up voices in my head! I know there are straight people that are even worse to kids. God will have to deal with them since current Californian law forbids me from performing a late term abortion on child abusers. That may change after January 20, 2009 when the aptly named "Coat Hanger Law" goes into effect. No age limit on late term abortions...Change you can believe in.

Fowl Ball

Does our President Elect talk to reporters as some lady gets her fetus vacuumed in the background? Does Pelosi talk to reporters outside her office in San Fransisco while gay men damage each others' colons behind her? No. They have peripheral vision and common sense. I see three possibilities about Sarah Palin talking to reporters as turkeys are being slaughtered in the background:

1 - She has tunnel vision and is oblivious to everything not directly in front of her.
2 - She wants America to know how turkeys in grocery stores get their shape.
3 - She says nothing worth listening to so she needs to divert attention elsewhere.

Hey look, I see a fourth possibility: All of the above.

$6431 a month

And that's only the tuition cost of sending the Obama girls to school. That seems a little excessive to me, but if I had the ability to send my children to the best possible school I would. I wouldn't, however (and I don't), bash the school I have to send them to.

President Elect Obama said this, two months ago, in Ohio:
“It’s time to ask ourselves why other countries are outperforming us in education. Because it’s not that their kids are smarter than ours – it’s that they’re being smarter about how to educate their kids.”

Is he being smarter about educating his kids by keeping them away from public school? Am I putting my kids at a disadvantage by not affording the $57,884 yearly tuition?

Way to go Nebraska!

In an effort to keep dead babies from filling up trash cans, Nebraska adopted a "safe haven" law that all hospitals would accept unwanted children without any pesky questions. All 50 States have some form of this law, but Nebraska is special. Nebraska doesn't have an age limit.

"Since September, 35 children, most of them preteens and teenagers, have been dropped off at Nebraska hospitals." (http://www.kmeg.com/Global/story.asp?S=9391246)

Dad: Clean up your room.
Kid: Dad, I'm busy right now.
Dad: Dammit! You know the rules: If you don't obey, we're off to Omaha.
Kid: No Dad. I don't want to go. I'll be good, not like my brothers and sisters. What were their names again?
Dad: I don't remember. I have 175,000 frequent flyer miles now though.

Act now because, at 12:01 am Saturday morning, an age limit of 30 days old will be enforced.

To Rachel Maddow,

You are so witty. You are so hot. I have trouble controlling myself when your show is on. Your views on America are almost identical to mine, which is to say: You know Everything too. I don't care that your head looks like a penis with a toupee. I love you.

Will of the People

Californians voted to ban gay marriages. However, the will of the people does not rule the land. That's the job of the seven radical Supreme Court Justices. Three lawsuits are allowed to be heard before the court. The lawsuits argue that voters alone did not have the authority to enact such a significant constitutional change.

There was a proposition on the ballot. The people voted on that proposition. That proposition passed.

How is it possible for anyone to think that a majority of people don't have the authority to change government? In May of this year some judges legislated from the bench and allowed gay marriage even after the people voted against it. Why bother voting for something if judges can simply overturn it?

Judges get appointed, not elected, and they have control over our Constitution.
The Secretary of Treasury (Henry Paulson) is appointed, not elected, and has control over the $700 billion ($5 Trillion) bailout.

Am I the only one that sees something wrong with this?

Some days...

...I want to go through my day just wearing shoes and shorts. To avoid any felony charges I'll be fully dressed when I take Emma to school.

Is it too early...

Here are some interesting quotes from President-Elect Obama during his first interview since being elected:

ON A BAILOUT FOR AUTOMAKERS:
"We need to provide assistance to the auto industry. But I think that it can't be a blank check. So my hope is that, over the course of the next week, between the White House and Congress, the discussions are shaped around providing assistance, but making sure that that assistance is conditioned on labor, management, suppliers, lenders, all the stakeholders coming together with a plan -- what does a sustainable U.S. auto industry look like? -- so that we are creating a bridge loan to somewhere, as opposed to a bridge loan to nowhere."

Huh? We need to give them money why? A bridge loan to nowhere? Our next President has the ability to talk without saying anything. After we give money to the Big 3, who will NEED the money next? Obama doesn't know, but he will keep handing out money. Hmmm, continuing to give money will only add to the $5 trillion debt. Isn't that a problem, Mr. Obama?

BUDGET DEFICITS
"We shouldn't worry about the deficit next year, or even the year after that. Short term, the most important thing is that we avoid a deepening recession."

Of course you only care about the "Short Term". Liberals/Idiots have the "buy it now, pay for it later" mentality. The problem here is that America won't be there to foot the bill. True, America can operate with a substantial deficit (look at the Reagan years). America, however, needs the government, as stated by the Constitution, to maintain a balance of power and allow the people to control the market.

ON THE FORECLOSURE CRISIS:
"We have not focused on foreclosures and what's happening to homeowners as much as I would like. We have the tools to do it. We've got to set up a negotiation between banks and borrowers, so that people can stay in their homes. That is going to have an impact on the economy as a whole."

Are you going to allow borrowers to keep their cars that they can't afford too? Is that part of the Bailout? If people bought things they can't pay for, why should they be allowed to keep it? I can't afford to buy a lot of things I want. SO I DON'T! If you can't afford it, don't buy it. Keeping things you didn't pay for is called stealing. It's called STEALING!!!

GUANTANAMO BAY
"I have said repeatedly that I intend to close Guantanamo, and I will follow through on that. I have said repeatedly that America doesn't torture, and I'm going to make sure that we don't torture."

Our troops should do whatever is necessary to keep us safe. Let me say that again.
Our troops should do whatever is necessary to keep us safe.
Example:
Four guys were shooting at Americans. Instead of just being killed, they're lined up side by side. "Who sent you to kill us."
Wait 30 seconds.
If the men are silent, shoot the first one in the knee. The men are still silent...except the first guy is screaming in pain.
"Who sent you to kill us."
Wait 30 seconds. If the men are silent, shoot the first man in the head. All is quiet again.
Repeat until all are dead. If they answer the question, a shot to the head is just punishment. You shoot at an American, you die.

By the way, the Geneva Conventions for already made it illegal to torture prisoners of war, but Mr. President-elect doesn't understand that Guantanamo is a detainment camp for militant combatants...not POWs.

Declaration of Independence:
When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty, and the pursuit of Happiness. That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

Is it too early to Impeach Obama?

(I honestly believe that a Recall Election would be more appropriate, but you can't have them for federal positions so I'll take the next option. )

Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, Bang, (insert next clip)

November 14, 2008
LA MESA: Two men barged into a La Mesa apartment early yesterday and ordered the people inside to get on the floor at gunpoint, police said.

Officers were called to the apartment on Mohawk Street near Williams Avenue about 1 a.m., La Mesa police said.
The robbers, who said they wanted cash and other items, searched the pockets of one of the residents but did not take anything, police said. They punched one person and ran away. (http://www.signonsandiego.com/news/metro/20081114-9999-1m14pubsafe.html)

President Obama's Cabinet:

Secretary of State - Hillary Clinton (unless she's to be the next Supreme Court Justice)

Secretary of the Treasury - Herb Sandler or Warren Buffet

Secretary of Defense - Dennis Kucinich

Attorney General - John Edwards

Secretary of the Interior - Michelle Obama

Secretary of Agriculture - Tom Harkin

Secretary of Commerce - Warren Buffet or Herb Sandler

Secretary of Labor - David Sanchez

Secretary of Health & Human Services - Jack Kevorkian

Secretary of Housing & Development - Jesse Jackson

Secretary of Transportation - Ralph Nader

Secretary of Energy - Al Gore

Secretary of Education - Louis Farrakhan

Secretary of Veterans Affairs - Ron Dellums

Secretary of Homeland Security - Bill Ayers


Props to Doug Patton and Google for help on this list

Government Bailout...Good Idea if done MY WAY

How much should the government spend on this new bailout plan? First there was Fanny Mae and Freddy Mac...then AIG...American Express wants to be considered a bank so they can leech off this plan. President-Elect Obama, Pelosi, Reid and other lefties want $50 billion for GM, Ford and Chrysler. When will the handouts end? Since I Know Everything, this is what should happen:

I actually would like to see...get ready for this...American Auto Makers fail. Yes, fail. Just one day. The Domino Theory applies if we stop building cars in the US (dealerships, stores near dealerships, etc), so just one day. Then reboot without any Unions. When the factories open the next day, every employee will get paid for their labor rather than the company paying outrageous wages and pensions forced by unions. Goodbye $78 an hour for turning a wrench.

I would like to see banks that give loans to unqualified people fail. If the bank was required to give these loans by the left-wing "it's only fair" government, then:

1 - The bailout should provide those banks with their money back.
2 - Recipients of those loans should only get back what they paid into the loan (this obviously is not much) and any land, home, or vehicles shall be returned to the seller.

I read this on Yahoo! Finance:

$2T Emergency Fed Loans (the ones the Fed won't discuss, as detailed here)
$700B TARP (designed to buy bad debt, the fund is rapidly transforming as we'll discuss in an upcoming segment)
$300B Hope Now (the government's year-old attempt at mortgage workouts)
$200B Fannie/Freddie
$140B Tax Breaks for Banks (WaPo has the details)
$110B: AIG (with it's new deal this week, the big insurer got $40B of TARP money, plus $110B in other relief)

Over $3 Trillion so far. Giving money is NOT the answer. However, in some cases it IS a necessary step as long as...now listen up, this is important...the next step is restructuring the fundamental purpose of that business. The only reason to operate a business is to make money. What you do with that money is at YOUR (not the government's) discretion. If you want to spread your wealth, go ahead.

America is already dead. Fortunately, this bailout (done my way) can allow many companies to do business the right way, the American way. When those who do the work get the pay they earned, the economy will start to grow again.

Unfortunately, some of our highest elected officials will squander this chance at giving America a pulse again. Instead of "Change", there will be more companies getting in line to receive their bailout money. Instead of companies making products and creating jobs, there will be more regulations and more restrictions and more holes for the money to fall through. Get in line for a chance at buying toilet paper, comrade.

Do you know these people?
Tom Donilon
Wendy Sherman
John White
Michele Flournoy
Kurt Campbell

They are part of the CHANGE.

Stay classy, San Diego

Other than a Garvey Home Run or a Gwynn clutch hit, nothing gets the crowd alive like "Hell's Bells" screaming over the stadium P.A. and Hoffman jogging to the mound. Unfortunately, John Moores needs to axe Hoffy to save money since Moores's divorce is costing him 49% of the Padres. Sanctity of Marriage? Anyone?

I should mention that the Padres thought Hoffman should be notified via fax that his services will no longer be required. Hoffman has been with the Padres for 15 years and holds the MLB record for saves and they can't do a face to face. Right off the Phil Collins playbook. I wonder if Mrs. Moores got a similar fax?

Election Day

Since I'm so important and know everything, my vote should be counted as an Electoral Vote. At the very least, my vote should be equal to 10,000 popular votes. Apparently, the people at the polling booth can't accommodate a being as great as I, so my vote was counted like everyone else's:

Apocolypse Eve

Is this our last day? The odds are sure (left) leaning that way. Will I leave my country? No, but my country has left me.

Goodbye America. You withstood wars both foreign and domestic. Millions died defending what you stood for. And you stood strong. Now a handful of liberal elitists are going to burn you down, under the guise of democracy. Not even a Shakespearean play had this much irony, this much tragedy or this much pain. You're leaving me and you're leaving my family, but I promise to welcome you home with open arms in 2012.

Learn how to drive!

Obviously I am not the world's best driver, but some people are a damn nuisance on the road. This lady today was trying to merge into the lane I was in. She would accelerate then brake not commiting to get in front or behind me. I had my cruise control on so her speed changes were obvious. She finally passed ahead of me and crossed two solid white lines since her lane was exiting the freeway. Her full size truck had full size mirrors so I saw her full size snarl as she sped away. I hope you enjoy your day lady, cuz your snarl sure made me smile.

More Election Requirements

Only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California. Pretty straight (pun intended) forward. Am I homophobic? Probably. Except I can't think of a movie that wouldn't benefit from a lesbian sex scene.

Yes on Prop 8. And before I tell you why, I'm going to be clear that I believe every adult citizen has a right to pursue a life of happiness with any other consenting adult citizen. This is called domestic partnership. California's domestic partnership has virtually the same legal benefits and privileges that California's marriage law does. Yeah, I'm all for theses domestic partnerships and the legality of civil unions and tax breaks for gay couples, but not Marriage.

Marriage is not meant to be a simple bond between two people. Marriage is when a MAN and a WOMAN join together as friends, lovers, companions with mutual respect and devotion.What the hell happened to "until death do us part"? People don't respect marriage anymore!

Is there such a thing as the "sanctity of marriage" anymore? In 2002 Census Bureau Divorce Statistics suggest that 50% of all married couples in US will be seeking a Divorce Attorney. In Southern California the divorce rate is believed to be even higher, somewhere in the neighborhood of 60-75%.

There should continue to be the definition of marriage as MAN and WOMAN and more penalties for those who break the sacred vows of marriage.

I want Marriage to mean something. My YES vote on Prop. 8 keeps straight couples and pedophile priests at the alter and gay people behind the counter at Starbucks.

It's The Land of the Free not the Land of The Freebies

Do not vote for Barack Obama.

What an amazing public speaker this guy is. He is able to convince millions of people he is a catalyst of change by simply saying what the people want to hear. I've been fairly quiet about Sen. Obama, but his commercial last night was the straw on the camel's back.

"That's why my health care plan includes improving information technology, requires coverage for preventive care and pre-existing conditions and lowers health care costs for the typical family by $2,500 a year."

Wow, this guy will save my family $2,500 per year just in our health costs?!? Actually, no. His plan doesn't say anything about the amount of my money leaving my pocket being reduced. Obama wants to spend $50 billion on, "electronic medical records and by improving access to proven disease management programs." Where does that money come from? Taxes. So will his plan put money in my pocket? No, but he sure sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

"I also believe every American has a right to affordable health care."

A Right? You want to amend our Constitution to give this Right? Ok, that would mean everyone who is receiving care would have to prove they are a citizen. The liberal left (Obama's home) doesn't like proving citizenship. In fact, they charge that simply showing ID to confirm you are who you say you are when voting is disenfranchisement. Under Obama, will only Americans be receiving this new Health Care? No, but he sure sounds like he knows what he's talking about.

"I've offered spending cuts above and beyond their cost."

"Here's what I'll do. Cut taxes for every working family making less than $200,000 a year. Give businesses a tax credit for every new employee that they hire right here in the U.S. over the next two years and eliminate tax breaks for companies that ship jobs overseas. Help homeowners who are making a good faith effort to pay their mortgages, by freezing foreclosures for 90 days. And just like after 9-11, we'll provide low-cost loans to help small businesses pay their workers and keep their doors open. "

Obama, you're so vague on what you'll cut and you're so vague on what you'll spend it's impossible to be a non-Kool-Aid drinker and believe you. All we know for fact is you want to implement programs that will inevitably give money to those who don't have it. Well, that costs money. Will Obama be able to make cuts while spending less? No, but he sure sounds like he knows what he's talking about.


There is a word that describes Obama's economic ideal. He believes it's not just fair but patriotic to tax the rich and give it to the poor. Everyone should get what everyone else has. We have a Right to be equal in every way. Not just the person who works should benefit from that labor. The word that describes when the government controls health care, education, the price of goods, how banks lend and makes everything fair is...socialism.

Yeah, I said it. Socialism. It's the Land of the Free and Home of the Brave, not the Land of the Freebies and Home of the Depraved.

I'll keep my freedom, my guns and my money,

you can keep 'THE CHANGE'.

Vote for McCain/Palin

November 4th 2008

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Click on The best slideshow ever! and you will be pleased that you did.

Tommy Wants Emma To Be An Only Child

Tommy was watching me scrub the car with a sponge and he wanted to do it too. Apparently, the rag I gave him wasn't up to his standards, but the screwdriver was.







Which do you think Britt will notice first:
The scratch on the car?
or
That Tommy won't come within 10 feet of the car anymore?

Ultra-Awesome Personal Driving Simulator ReDux

The Tenth Commandment needs to be amended. Our Constitution gets amendments all the time so I think it's justifiable to update #10 in the Bible. For those who don't know what #10 is, here's my interpretation (which is the Right one) of what the Bible says:

"Neither shall you covet your neighbor's house, or field, or male or female slave, or ox, or donkey, or anything that belongs to your neighbor."

Totally agree, Unless your neighbor is me and shows you this:

It's only natural to covet something so AWESOME. So go on! Covet away! Ok, that's enough. Stop drooling and leave...unless you've brought Beer.

King in the Castle

(Click on the circle to play sound)

Again, I wish I had 8

So, I bought some Hot Dog buns today. I know that should have been the highlight of my day, but I actually did something even better than that...the kids and I saw something pretty cool:



Yeah, these pictures are not the fault of my N95 (Did I tell you about my new phone?) I should have put it in landscape mode and taken just one pic. I'm only on chapter 483 in the manual so hopefully I'll learn about the camera soon.

Pretty cool, huh? My dad is making quite an addition to his home. More pictures to be coming for sure. (Could I have sounded more valley girl gay just now?)

Speaking of Hot Dog Buns, I bought a pack of eight buns. When I got home I saw that our pack has only seven hot dog dongs in it (Doesn't that sound much better than hot dog wieners?). The pack of dog dongs that we have are Hebrew National and are, of course, Kosher. I wonder if the eighth dong would have made the package unKosher or anti-Kosher...How do you say "Not Kosher", Jesish?

Ok, stay with me here. There has been a long, sometimes funny, complaint about the number of Dongs in a pack being different than the number of Buns in a pack. I subscribe to the rational that meat is sold one way and bread another so until one company makes both, there will always be a difference in the number of items in a pack. Despite the differences though, there are some consistancies:

Dongs are sold in packs of 8 or 10.

Buns are sold in 6 (1/2 dozen), 8 (to match Dongs) or 12 (1 dozen).

So why do my Kosher Dongs come in packs of 7? What the Hell is wrong with these people? This is NOT Kosher. Does eight represent something bad? Did Jesus eat the eighth Dong?

Anyway, we'll be eating Hot Dogs tonight and there will be an extra bun for whoever wants it.

GPS

The GPS on my N95 kicks gluteus maximus , but as I walked in circles around Target this morning I found my N95 wanting this upgrade:

GPS Powered Item Locator

This would allow you to say the item in the phone and then you would receive the location of that item via the GPS coordinates (with altitude so I know which shelf it's on too). Of course instead of just a bunch of numbers, there would be a floorplan of the market with the items...well, itemized. I'd be able to buy groceries without circling the aisles like a vulture over Abe Vigoda.

And of course this will be free...for me anyway.

Is there anything this stuff can't do?

Though Emma asked for a cheeseburger, I decided to just make lunch at home. We had a big watermelon that needed to be cut. So it, along with grapes, and a ham sandwich would make a decent meal. After cutting up one half of the watermelon, realizing that it there was much more fruit than I thought, I was left with a choice:

Wash another Tupperware container and cut up second half of watermelon.

or

Cover second half of watermelon, stash in fridge and let Britt take care of it.

Obviously it took less than a second to choose the latter. But after a few minutes it was apparent that I had not chosen the easiest path. I would try and pull the sheet out flat, but noooo, it had to wrinkle and would not tear. Try again, same result. Try again, Fail. Who the hell is responsible for putting this pathetic excuse for a blade on the lid of the box? Because I'm going to punch him in the throat and pee on his dog.

I had wasted nearly half the roll before I was able to get the right size sheet. A spotlight shone down on me from heaven and the angels sang, "AAAAAMMMMMMEEEEENNNN."

Perhaps this should have been written on the side of the box of plastic wrap:
If, by the grace of God, you manage to tear off a piece of usable plastic wrap, please note that this product is not intended to cover halves of watermelon. You are better off just cutting up the entire fruit.

Fortunately, I have duct tape. Is there anything this stuff can't do?

Someday Soon

When Tommy started to scream I looked up and saw Emma running as fast as she could away from him. Emma’s Response to me asking what happened: “It’s ok Daddy, accidents happen.” Someday soon Tommy won't be the one with a bloddy nose.

Best Bang For My Buck

Recently I purchased a Bag of Crap from Woot.com. This was my fifth time ordering the BOC. For those who don't know what Woot is or what the Bag of Crap is go here.

Previous BOCs:

Roboraptor (Emma named him Slappy), toy car, visor with built in binoculars, novelty hole punch, buzzer for ear, Hardly Working Book, small backback.


Bag of Crap is $1 + $5 shipping
Boston center speaker, 3 instajacks, heart rate monitor, Woot Beer Bucket

Oh do the Woot Gods love me. Look at my most recent BOC:


3 - B&D Pocket Power, 1 Memory Card Case, 1 Violin Thing, Nokia N95-1 with 1Gb MicroSD and SD Adapter and all cables

Behold, the Nokia N95



Nokia N95 Website

GPS, Internet, Accelerometer, MP3 Player, 5 Megapixel Camera, Mobile Games, Email, SMS, MMS, WiFi, Bluetooth, Video Out, DivX Player, Flash Player, 30 fps Video Camera, MicroSD Expansion Slot, Lightsaber (For my Jedi needs), and it also is a Cellphone.

Was it perfect out of the box? No, in fact, I wasn't able to use it more than an hour or so before it would reboot. So I went to Nokia's website and was able to confirm that My N95 was under warranty . The next day My N95 was on its way to Alabama. Yes, Alabama has more to offer than just topless beaches and bottomless beverages...Sorry, I sometimes confuse Alabama with Heaven. Lots of people do that. Alabama's tourism depends on those types of mistakes.

A week goes by and My N95 was back in my hands. When I opened the box there was a new battery and a note that said the problem was fixed. Well, it wasn't. It went back in the box and off to Alabama, again. 10 days later, it was in my hands, again.

This box contained a new battery, a new charger and a note that said the problem was fixed. After two hours the phone stopped working. I called Nokia, again. They (Nokia) said that a new phone will be shipped to me once they receive My N95. After yet another trip to the Mail Box place and eight days later...

My Brand Spanking New N95 was in my hands...again. Yes, I needed a wet nap and a change of clothes. My Brand Spanking New N95 now has three batteries, two chargers plus the video cable, headphones w/remote and a 1Gb MicroSd card. I love My Brand Spanking New N95. It's my Mobile Mistress, but this one my wife knows about.

Pictures taken with the N95 for your viewing pleasure:



I'm hoping to get one of these in my next BOC. Though I could do it with my pellet gun, this would be more fun to have when conquering France.



This Image is for those who always wanted to see a Sexy Man taking a picture with a Sexy N95 of his Sexy self through the reflection of a rental van.



This is a picture of my Mother in Law. Once feeding time is over she's quite a sweetheart to be around.



This is my Father in Law. The man may not be the prettiest thing, but damn that is huge!



The Prettiest Princess Ever.



San Diego Chargers, Super Bowl XLIII Champions



The only thing I can't find on my GPS is a beer...Oh, What is this!!!